Sunday, September 18, 2011

A Little Heaven on Earth

The past year has been a challenge for sure.  But it has been an amazing challenge full of growth and rediscovery of myself.  We had an awesome lesson at church today about General Conference.  I am so excited for the next few weeks.  I have the amazing opportunity to be able to attend the General Women's Broadcast, and General Conference, in the conference center with my mom, and even Ethan get's to come to one of the sessions.  I was reminded that I need to take the conference talks and apply them to my life! I need to take them and learn to fly from them. 
I have also been constantly blessed every day by my amazing three kids that I am honored to have in my home! My kids are the most amazing kids I have ever met.  They radiate with the spirit, they bring smiles and laughter to my heart and soul all the time.  I have my own personal heaven on earth here in my home! I love it!! I am not going to lie, I have suffered severe lonliness.  It is so immensely hard not to have a companion to share all these moments I have with my kids.  I know someday I will find someone that I can share the rest of my life here on earth and in eternity, but it's harder to know what I am missing.  I ran across this article today on the church website. 
As I look back on my life I see mistakes I made, and as I have said before I wouldn't take anything back, because I am blessed to have these 3 amazing kids.  But I have definitely learned from my mistakes, and I will not repeat them again.  I was so young when I got married, 18.  I was not as mature and smart as I thought.  I can say though, that I am proud of myself and the things I have accomplished.  I am proud of myself for keeping my covenants and staying close to my Heavenly Father. There were many points in my marriage when I had to choose between my Heavenly Father and my husband, a majority of the time I chose my Heavenly Father, although there were a few that I must say I chose my husband first.  That was maybe the hardest part of my marriage.  I never dreamed growing up, that I would have to chose between the two.  In an ideal situation the question of choosing between Heavenly Father and your husband would have the same answer.  As I draw closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and feel their love and gather strength from them, I realize that I will get through this, and I will be an increasingly better woman because of it.  I am striving to become the woman that will be worth of the kind of man I seek, it's no secret that I have super high standards.  I have met some amazing single men that I am lucky to call my friends, I learn from their faith and am enriched from discussions I have with them.  I am excited for the future, however scary and overwhelming it seems right now.  I am blessed to have loved, and loved deeply and without bounds.  It taught me many things, and I will love again someday, and hopefully even deeper and even more freely.  
For those of you that are young, be young, have fun, enjoy life.  Don't rush it.  There is no rewind button.  The decisions you make, you have to live with.  There are many people I know that married young and have had blessed and happy marriages.  Marriage is definitely hard, but it is so worth it.  To consecrate yourself with someone else, with the joint purpose of creating an eternal family is one of the most important reasons we were sent to this earth.  It is an amazing thing. 
My testimony of the atonement, and the gospel of Jesus Christ has grown ten-fold in the past year.  I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father, I have received clarity of mind through scripture study, peach trough temple attendance, and knowledge from my endeavors.  It has been hard for me lately to rid myself of resentment for the situation I am in.  Because of someone else's choice I am now taking my daughter to daycare every day, scraping by financially, and forced to start all over.  But I can't change that.  I am excited for my future. I am excited for all the learning experiences I am encountering, both temporally and spiritually.  Today is a rebirth of sorts for me.  I am finally living. I am letting go of the past and looking only towards today.  Not tomorrow, not yesterday, only today, right now! That is what matters.  Eventually one day we all run out of tomorrows, for me that won't matter, because I was alive today!